Sammy: A Pet Loss Story

The following pet loss story was shared with DoveLewis Pet Loss Support Director Enid Traisman from Calla Rose Wilson-Traisman. Please feel free to submit your own pet loss story here

For Sammy
January 3, 2016

 

I remember the day I learned Samson would come into our lives. Five years ago, while living in New York City, I received an email from my mother with a photo of a Great Pyrenees and the subject line “Here he is! Isn’t he beautiful?” He was our newest family member, a shelter dog who had initially been adopted and then returned because he growled at the husband of his new owner. My mom later told me she hadn’t believed them at first because he was the sweetest dog, but after settling in we realized they were right; he growled at my brothers when they leaned too close, growled at my at-the-time-boyfriend, and some strangers. However, his defensive exterior complex was a product of his past, and mostly directed at large men. It didn’t take him long to open up to us and trust completely. I think I loved Samson from the first moment I met him. It was hard not to, for he was striking and magnificent. I imagine the loss of him will hurt for a very long time. 

Oh Sammy, if only I could hold you now, kiss your sweet face and stroke your soft fur. I dreaded this day for a long time, but now that it has finally come I’m not sure what to make of it. Maybe it was selfish for us to keep you as long as we did; I guess none of us could bare the thought of losing you. Since the day I met you, you brought joy into my life. Your excitement at my homecomings was priceless. What I would give for one of those now. I’ll never forget the sight of you bounding toward the front door, wiggling with joy, squealing perhaps, because you were so happy to see us. The feeling was always mutual, my friend. Even after your hip gave out and you were practically three-legged, you never failed to greet at my arrival. I can honestly say I don’t think I have ever loved a dog so much as I’ve loved you, and now that you are gone it feels like my heart just might burst. No amount of preparation made today any easier. I have cried to the point that I thought no more tears could possibly come, and then one fleeting glimpse of your body ensures another flood of them. I don’t mean to tell you this so that you will be sad for leaving; I only wish to tell you so that you will know how deeply you were loved. Are loved. Will always be loved. 

Samson, you were such an incredible presence and your death has already left a gaping hole in my heart. It hurt me to see you in pain and it hurts me not to see you at all. I know that all things must come to an end, and just as you came into my life and taught me how to love greater, to love deeper, you have also shown me how hard loss can be. Every moment with you was precious and it has been some time now since I stopped taking them for granted. These past several weeks I tried to shower you with affection every chance I got, and it seemed that just as I was ready to walk away I would turn around and see your big beautiful amber eyes staring at me, and I couldn’t resist turning around to give you one more kiss. Mom and I would joke about which one of us was your favorite because we both wanted to be golden in your eyes, as you were in ours. Today is proof that no amount of preparation for death or “practice grief” can ease the sting of the real thing.

There are so many things that I adored about you: the Great Pyrenees finesse that you demonstrated every time you stole food off the counter without leaving a trace or breaking a dish, your fiercely independent personality, your ability to ignore us when you felt like it ☺, refusal to walk once you got tired, incessant barking at all hours, commitment to protecting our home, growling at people you didn’t trust (and dogs who annoyed you ☺), the way you buried yourself in the willows, noble nature, enormous body and even larger heart, oh the list goes on…though some of those things may seem more positive than others, they all made you, you, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Not even the barking. The irony is that despite the initial aggression you once displayed, you were perhaps the sweetest, most loving animal I have ever known. You are a reminder to me to never trust first impressions, for appearances can be deceiving. Life made you defensive and unpredictable, but love reversed that and in turn you gave us all the love you could’ve possibly given.
You have been gone less than twelve hours and it already feels unbearable. I have visited your body several times today, and each time it feels less and less like the Sammy that I remember. I suppose this is because your soul has moved on, but I cannot help but feel heartache when I stroke your fur and you feel cold and stiff. I’m not sure if this makes it better or worse for me, but I guess I just want to relish the last bit of time I have with your physical body while I have the chance. I hope you did not suffer, and that you are in a better place. It is a relief to know you’ve shed the burden of your aching bones, but selfishly I want you back. All I can hope is that in some life, whether this one or the next, we meet again. For now, my days will be a little less bright. You were such a lover, and it is only right that you are so loved in return. I knew this would be painful and unpleasant, but I think right now those descriptions don’t begin to describe the magnitude of what I feel. I am heartbroken, yet I am so grateful for the time we had. Despite feeling slightly cheated by a mere five years with you, it is a reminder that time cannot measure the depth or significance of a relationship. You were my friend and a member of our family.

Samson, I want you to know that I will never forget you or cease to love you. Though I cannot touch you or see you anymore, I want you to know that I will be okay. I might not feel okay right now, but in time the pain will fade and the memories will remain, and you will always be in our hearts. You gave us your best, and for that I am forever grateful.

 

“Anything you lose comes round in another form”

“Loss and possession, death and life are one, There falls no shadow where there shines no sun”